A tale of two remakes: Nikita and Conan, The Barbarian
The remake of La Femme Nikita wins on production values over the original. That’s good, because it loses on almost everything else.
Story: both use unthinking action scripts. The running backstory for the original was that of an internally crypto-fascist organization that was working towards the common good (mostly); the remake suffers from the 2000s TV show problem of trying to make political points.
Guns: Much better guns in the remake and much more poorly used. In the original, characters used handguns, MP5s, and the occasional sniper rifle, usually when appropriate. In the remake, the weapons are so overdone that Nikita shoots a HS50 .50 BMG into a hotel to take down a bad guy from across the street. That slug would take down the bad guy and pass through all the internal walls of the hotel, then continue across a few more buildings. It’s an anti-materiel weapon designed to be shot from a mile away! But looks good with her outfit.
Michael: Good God Almighty, could the remake Michael be more of a whiner? Ron Dupuis’s wooden acting was precisely what a cold-blooded killer requires. Michael Samuelle never complained or argued, even when sent on a suicide mission. The new Michael is “modern man” and, in the current parlance, needs to man up. And shut up.
[Added 3/5/12.] Lyndsy Fonseca. Whenever she’s on screen, I root for Zetrov. The original had likable sidekicks, at least.
Nikita: Fashion model vs. martial arts movie star. No contest, Peta Wilson wins by miles: she’s gorgeously charming, her Nikita has been unjustly dragooned into service unlike Maggie Q’s, and her australian accent softens everything she says. Neither is credible as a commando, obviously. Maggie Q may know martial arts, but that doesn’t mean that she could knock out a OMON-trained 250Lbs-of-muscle Zetrov bodyguard with a punch. Peta’s Nikita uses her smile more than her fists, which plays to the actress’s strengths.
— • —
The remake of Conan, the Barbarian also has much better production values than the original. It shares a few names and minimal context with the original. Otherwise it’s a completely different movie.
Story: Are you kidding me? Story? Ok: fight; fight; more fight; fight; damsel in distress; fight; fight; fight in extremis with the bad guy; Conan wins. Oh, should I have put SPOILER there?
Gore: Not for the squeamish. Think John Woo-level detail of blade-vs-flesh encounters and some really disgusting expulsion of assorted body parts and bodily fluids.
Bad Guy: Stephen Lang plays to his strengths as a bad guy (as in Avatar) and exhibits stereotypical bad guy leadership (unlike his good guy leadership in Terra Nova). His makeup is so good that I didn’t recognize him; the voice sounded familiar so I paid attention in the credits. But James Earl Jones plays a better bad guy: he was calmly evil, while Lang’s is too involved and comes across as insecure and immature in his evil-ness.
Young Conan: Great scene of young Conan doing the Cimmerian version of a SEAL Evolution which turns into a real fight. Nothing like this in the original. Definitely a plus for the remake.
Conan: Jason Momoa, who provided comic relief and hand-to-hand combat scenes in Stargate Atlantis, acts much better than the original Conan, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Not that hard, really: he’s basically playing his Stargate Atlantis Ronon Dex character with minimal changes.) But he doesn’t really look like comic book Conan. Ahnuld might be a terrible actor, but he had the muscles for the part. As with the original we are subjected to a gratuitous and unnecessary shot of Conan’s naked buttocks.
Verdict
Nikita is worth watching — if there’s no Masterpiece Mystery — for Maggie Q, for laughing at bad tactics and gun use, and for Xander Berkeley’s great acting (playing “Operations”).
Conan, the barbarian is a good action movie, not for the squeamish. It would be better if it had a different title character and didn’t try to link itself to the original or the comic book character.
![A tale of two remakes: Nikita and Conan, The Barbarian
The remake of La Femme Nikita wins on production values over the original. That’s good, because it loses on almost everything else.
Story: both use unthinking action scripts. The running backstory for the original was that of an internally crypto-fascist organization that was working towards the common good (mostly); the remake suffers from the 2000s TV show problem of trying to make political points.
Guns: Much better guns in the remake and much more poorly used. In the original, characters used handguns, MP5s, and the occasional sniper rifle, usually when appropriate. In the remake, the weapons are so overdone that Nikita shoots a HS50 .50 BMG into a hotel to take down a bad guy from across the street. That slug would take down the bad guy and pass through all the internal walls of the hotel, then continue across a few more buildings. It’s an anti-materiel weapon designed to be shot from a mile away! But looks good with her outfit.
Michael: Good God Almighty, could the remake Michael be more of a whiner? Ron Dupuis’s wooden acting was precisely what a cold-blooded killer requires. Michael Samuelle never complained or argued, even when sent on a suicide mission. The new Michael is “modern man” and, in the current parlance, needs to man up. And shut up.
[Added 3/5/12.] Lyndsy Fonseca. Whenever she’s on screen, I root for Zetrov. The original had likable sidekicks, at least.
Nikita: Fashion model vs. martial arts movie star. No contest, Peta Wilson wins by miles: she’s gorgeously charming, her Nikita has been unjustly dragooned into service unlike Maggie Q’s, and her australian accent softens everything she says. Neither is credible as a commando, obviously. Maggie Q may know martial arts, but that doesn’t mean that she could knock out a OMON-trained 250Lbs-of-muscle Zetrov bodyguard with a punch. Peta’s Nikita uses her smile more than her fists, which plays to the actress’s strengths.
— • —
The remake of Conan, the Barbarian also has much better production values than the original. It shares a few names and minimal context with the original. Otherwise it’s a completely different movie.
Story: Are you kidding me? Story? Ok: fight; fight; more fight; fight; damsel in distress; fight; fight; fight in extremis with the bad guy; Conan wins. Oh, should I have put SPOILER there?
Gore: Not for the squeamish. Think John Woo-level detail of blade-vs-flesh encounters and some really disgusting expulsion of assorted body parts and bodily fluids.
Bad Guy: Stephen Lang plays to his strengths as a bad guy (as in Avatar) and exhibits stereotypical bad guy leadership (unlike his good guy leadership in Terra Nova). His makeup is so good that I didn’t recognize him; the voice sounded familiar so I paid attention in the credits. But James Earl Jones plays a better bad guy: he was calmly evil, while Lang’s is too involved and comes across as insecure and immature in his evil-ness.
Young Conan: Great scene of young Conan doing the Cimmerian version of a SEAL Evolution which turns into a real fight. Nothing like this in the original. Definitely a plus for the remake.
Conan: Jason Momoa, who provided comic relief and hand-to-hand combat scenes in Stargate Atlantis, acts much better than the original Conan, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Not that hard, really: he’s basically playing his Stargate Atlantis Ronon Dex character with minimal changes.) But he doesn’t really look like comic book Conan. Ahnuld might be a terrible actor, but he had the muscles for the part. As with the original we are subjected to a gratuitous and unnecessary shot of Conan’s naked buttocks.
Verdict
Nikita is worth watching — if there’s no Masterpiece Mystery — for Maggie Q, for laughing at bad tactics and gun use, and for Xander Berkeley’s great acting (playing “Operations”).
Conan, the barbarian is a good action movie, not for the squeamish. It would be better if it had a different title character and didn’t try to link itself to the original or the comic book character.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0cdvxWOsN1qaiztzo1_500.jpg)







![LIVING A DIGITAL LIFE — And life before digital content.
I was decommissioning an old computer and found a packing list for summer teaching in 2000. Clothing was essentially the same as in my packing list for the upcoming summer session but everything else (which means content and equipment) is completely different. Well, I still take a computer, of course.
I used to take several paper books, including a full size textbook for the class, notebooks and a binder with class notes, a ZIP drive for backups, ZIP disks, paper photos for the family, a magazine or two to read at the airport, a Discman and CDs (being at the forefront of packing technology, I used a CD pouch instead of the jewel boxes), and a few DVDs.
(The following year I got my first MP3 player and my first digital camera. And a ginormous 5GB firewire external drive!)
Now: all content is digital and travels in my laptop, backed up on a 1TB portable hard drive, several 16GB flash drives, and the cloud. I might still take a [disposable] magazine, but otherwise my music, audiobooks, eBooks, research papers, teaching materials, photos, movies and TV shows, and computer code all travel as files.
A new cultural meme has arisen where people ask casual acquaintances what is on their content consumption devices, so in that spirit, here’s what I’d put on my iPod Touch and iPad if the trip was tomorrow (engagement takes about four weeks):
Music: Vivaldi, Handel, Bach, Purcell, Chopin, Liszt, and Fauré playlists, a playlist of 216 “classical” albums, my standard Jazz playlist, an auto-generated 1024-track playlist of “classical” music that I haven’t heard in at least three months, a nostalgia playlistlist of 70s-80s-90s music, and a few new jazz albums I bought from Ted Gioia’s “Best of 2011” list. (Except for the last ones, all of these reside permanently in my iPod Touch and iPad.)
Podcasts: Back To Work, MacBreak Weekly, TED talks (video), SALT from the Long Now foundation.
Audiobooks: Aunts Aren’t Gentlemen and Hot Water by P.G. Wodehouse, On China by Henry Kissinger, Quantum Man by Lawrence Krauss, The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinford by Evelyn Waugh, and Worm by Mark Bowden. That should be enough for the flights and the various train rides, plus elliptical exercising (for oxygenation) in the hotel gym.
Movies: Since ripping DVDs with Handbrake to watch the movies on the iPad is a violation of the DMCA, I can’t have any movies on the iPad, can I? In an alternate universe I’d load the second season of V (2011), the first season of Sherlock, the first season of Hawaii Five-O (2011), the latest season of House, Cowboys and Aliens, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Despicable Me (a feel-good movie for all occasions), The Incredibles (ibidem), Margin Call, Moneyball, and Wall St: Money Never Sleeps.
Kindle books: Civilization by Niall Ferguson, Arguably: Essays by Christopher Hitchens, The Ware Tetralogy by Rudy Rucker, Notes from the Hard Shoulder by James May (of TopGear), The Prague Cemetery by Umberto Eco, The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie, and Holidays in Heck by PJ O’Rourke.
iBooks: Walter Bagehot’s Lombard Street (shown above), Émile Zola’s Le Ventre de Paris, and Voltaire’s Candide. (I downloaded several public domain iBooks.)
PDF: All my class readings, many additional research papers and reference materials, and the O’Reilly books Beautiful Visualization and R in a Nutshell.
Games: I usually don’t play computer games, but my iPad has Solitaire, Mahjong, and a few crossword puzzles.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly310eV91R1qaiztzo1_500.jpg)
